Has Anyone Seen Susan?

I have never been an angry person. I have always thought of myself as”too nice”and incredibly patient. Well, since I had my stroke, I feel like that person is gone? SHE NO LONGER EXISTS. I have morphed into an inpatient, angry, and impolite shrew! I am suddenly channeling my mother! A woman I swore I would never be anything like. She was hypercritical, demanding, bitter. (Think Iris Temple in Temple Secrets!)

My mother never had a stroke, but I imagine she would have been a nightmare. Mea culpa. Please forgive me. I’m a mess. I am impulsive, rash. If I could figure out how to bay at the moon, I would.

Photo by Chris Ensminger on Unsplash

Where did that sweet, long-suffering Susan go? Will she ever return? I miss her. I miss her sense of humor. I miss her kindness. I think my daughters miss her, too. I know my friends do.

Since my stroke, I have noticed my personality change. I do not suffer fools, as they say. I have no control over my mouth. I say and do things that are totally unlike me. At times I seem hell-bent on destroying my life, blowing the whole thing up, and starting over on the ground floor. Mea culpa. God forgive me.

If you’ve seen Susan would you please send her home? Instead of Where’s Waldo, perhaps there should be a Where’s Susan book where the reader goes in search of the missing southern writer who is in hiding and can’t seem to find her way back home.

In terms of stroke recovery, I have never felt so impatient. The recovery process seems never- ending. My physical therapists tell me that they are here to help me make it end. I am to do my exercises faithfully and get stronger and more balanced every day. Easier said than done? Someday this will all be over it’s hard to imagine but I’ve already come so far. Thank you for your patience with me. If only I could be patient with myself!

Love you! Take good care!

Susan