Have I Always Been Creative?

Letter to a Dear Friend.

Dear One,

This is a painting series I did about the writer and the artist within. It was a lot of fun. These paintings hang in my office.

Have I always been creative?

Being an artist and writer always made sense to me. But it took me forty years to discover what I wanted to write and paint.

My mother had a drawer in the kitchen that had a collection of art supplies in it. I was fascinated. I had a spark of creativity from that moment on. But I never saw her use the art supplies or take them out of the drawer. She was anxious and depressed, and in a bad marriage to a cruel man. She was very weak and emotionally young. She cleaned compulsively. She grew up very poor and told me often that I was spoiled and lazy. In her eyes, I could never do enough.

She didn’t know how to show me that she loved me. She told me once that she wished I had never been born and she didn’t take it back. My job from an early age was to take care of her.

Being creative is how I survived. I majored in music in college. I played the flute. I practiced for hours at a time and got quite good. This is very similar to writing books. It requires a lot of practice. I got my Masters in clinical counseling to try to understand my parents. And in turn, myself.

In my thirties I started to write novels. First, I journaled. Then I began to create characters and the characters and stories taught me more about myself. (This is why we read books, too, right?)

For years I read in self help books that I needed to love myself. That’s how we get self-esteem. This was a foreign concept to me. My mother did not love herself. She had no answers. She had nothing to teach me, except how not to be.

I worked for years to learn to like myself. Love seemed too big a task. With every creative thing I did, I got to know myself a little better. I just kept doing one more creative thing.

I am not that great with relationships. People mystify me. I am too sensitive. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I take things personally. If treated kindly, I am undyingly loyal. If treated cruelly, I am long suffering, and then eventually I am gone.

I am kind. I am sincere. I pray because I think we need all the help we can get. I am spiritually inclined. I believe in heaven and angels. I believe in invisible things like grace and mercy. I believe I have angels and helpers. I believe God protects me.

I enjoy writing books more than creating art. Books, however, are taking me longer to write these days. I don’t need to write books for money anymore, which is a great relief, and may the reason that they take longer to write.

the unexamined life is not worth living

Socrates

I believe in self-awareness. You cannot be creative unless you are self aware.

I enjoy my own company. I love dogs. Especially my little dog, Rocky. I have a beautiful home made up of my favorite things. One of my favorite things to do is to eat breakfast out. Breakfast is my favorite meal. I have a cup of organic Assam tea or English Breakfast Tea every morning.

I will be glad when this election is over. Please remember to vote on Tuesday. For the first time in history, a woman will lead us. This is a good thing. It will do wonders for our self esteem.

Love you!

Susan